Research stuggles: Things we leave behind

27.04.2021 — Granada, Fragment of the Journal of Bela

All the things I had to leave behind...

There is always this painful moment when I’m writing and I just cannot fit THAT great idea or THAT perfect word into the text. You know, the one word I really wanted to use cause it just makes so much sense? Or that one idea that is SO necessary to be out there in the world for everyone to see?

It actually hurts when I cannot simply fit EVERYTHING I wanted in there. Then I have to file all these lost words and ideas away in some distant section of my brain to maybe never see them again. So painful.

And the hardest part is to choose who to leave behind. I mean, how to know which ideas I should keep? Usually it’s not even the best ones, only the ones that I actually CAN.

Well, I believe I’m overthinking about this stuff cause I’m feeling somewhat nostalgic these past few days. Mostly about all the super-cool-important stuff I will NOT be writing in my thesis. Yes, I had that moment of sitting down and telling myself that what I want cannot happen. I knew it was coming and I was prepared, but still... I think it hurts?

So here it’s me mourning for a second my difficult academic life choices. I already miss the things I left behind. But honestly? I’m still excited about the ones I chose to take with me and relieved to have finally come to a decision. I am just a tiny bit scared because I don’t know yet if they were the right choices.

Anyway, zero emotional avaiability for regrets right now.

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Bela Hümmelgen

Bela Hümmelgen

Brazilian, red, feminist, bi+poly, vegan, saggitarius. Current LLM in Human Rights (Austria). MA in Gender Studies (UK/Spain). Bachelor of Law (Brazil).