No, love, no revolution

I know you do not want to hear from me anymore, but I may still have some things to say. Since you hate me anyway, I do not think it makes a difference for you and you can ignore me. But it makes a difference for me to put it all out and that is what matters at this point.

You may think I am invasive and insistant, and I can take that. I know it is one of my flaws, one that keeps me awake at night and that annoys people so much. I am sorry for invading your space. I truly am. I wish I was not like that sometimes, it would make things easier for myself and others. But I am just someone who cares too much and I am beginning to understand that.

So I want you to know I cared about you, as a person. I try to care about all human beings (and animals and nature), I got into trouble more than once for helping strangers. I think care is the best word to describe what we need right now, as a collective. So I do not care that I care too much, I feel someone needs to do it. And if I can do it, why not?

I also loved you, as a friend (nothing more than that, being in love does not equal total romantic love for me). I still love you in a way. And you cannot take that away from me. Because when I love someone the feeling just lingers. It may change, it may lose its intensity, but it continues to be a part of me. Nada se pierde, todo se transforma.

And you know what? I am so fucking proud of that about myself. That I can do that, that I can continue loving even when I am hurt. Because that is what keeps me going, this deep sense of love. This is the revolution I believe in, a revolution of love and care about each other and about the world.

This is why I do not limit myelf in relationships. I do not hold back on my feelings, I let them blossom and follow their course. I prefer spending my energy loving than not loving (or trying not to love). Getting hurt is part of the process but it is so worth it. It continues to be worth it.

You may think I am too cheesy, and yes I am. But if you know anything about me, you know I do not say these things without having much thought and experience beforehnd. I may be exausted and exausting, confused and confusing, overwhelmed and overwhelming, annoyed and annoying. But I am trying to embrace that and I am trying really really hard to do my best for everyone. I fail, a lot. And I am sorry for hurting you with that.

You should also know, I am working on not expecting this from others. There is no reason for people to feel the same way and I get that. As much as an emotional mess I can be, I am also really smart (and not humble at all). I can rationalize all of this, I can understand I should never demand this of others. But (and there is always a but) I can explain all of this and maybe get people to reconsider their own views of love and relatinships. Maybe I can inspire love, maybe I can change the narratives. Maybe I can help break down the limitations, the walls we have around ourselves. Or maybe I am just a foolish young girl full of utopias. But I can embrace that as well.

So you can push me away if you wish. And I can be hurt and angry about it (I am). You can convince yourself it is for the better. And I will convince myself the same. But I will keep the light of love that I still have for you because that is how I want to remember it. And I hope you too consider remembering me like that. Even if you are letting it all go.

to i. — “i just miss you and i just wish you were a better man”

03.02.2022 — Wien, a text message that was never sent.